KEEPING IT REAL
FINALLY MY BLOG IS LIVE. I HOPE THAT EVERYTHING THAT I SHARE DURING MY JOURNEY OF BEING A SINGLE MUM WILL INSPIRE, ENCOURAGE, SUPPORT AND EMPOWER YOU TO MAKE HEALTHY CHOICES EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. TO IMPROVE YOUR LIVES AND THUS THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN.
I HAVE NO FORMAL QUALIFICATIONS, SO WHAT I SAY IS NOT TO BE TAKEN AS BIBLE. MY OBJECTIVE IS TO MERELY BE ME, SHARING MY OWN EXPERIENCES, SO THAT OTHER WOMEN CAN DRAW FROM MY EXPERIENCES TO CHANGE THEIR REALITY.
MY BLOG IS BEING TRUE TO MYSELF, BEING RAW AND VULNERABLE DURING A TIME WHEN I'M ALREADY ON MY KNEES.
ALTHOUGH MY CONTENT IS DIRECTED TO WOMEN AND FOR WOMEN, I WOULD HOPE THAT THE MEN OUT THERE THAT DO READ IT, CAN APPRECIATE MY HONESTY, GAIN SOME UNDERSTANDING AND MAYBE LEARN SOMETHING TO IMPROVE THEIR OWN RELATIONSHIPS.
MY POSTS ARE QUITE LENGTHY SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO GRAB A CHEESE OR FRUIT PLATTER, A BLOCK OF CHOCOLATE, COCKTAIL,TEA, COFFEE, CAKE, FOOD, CHEWING GUM... WHATEVER YOUR COMFORT IS.
From the Heart
The girls had seen me cry endlessly for months and I just wanted my birthday as a mark of a new beginning for me. I wrote and rewrote the post that many times I couldn't count. Step One was accepting that we had a made a decision to separate, step two was telling family and step three after finding out M had made steps to move on with his life (which included pursuing other women, of course), was learning to accept the decision had then been made to a point of no return. Step four of the process is telling the world, not just the family. It's in one way easier online because having to tell people face to face, I found, was hard, as I would just start crying in front of them. I had let my family know a month and a half earlier and even that was a bitter pill to swallow.
Facing my reality, and not being ashamed of the position I found myself in but owning it, was surreal. I was broken and with every ounce of strength I had, I sat with my family celebrating with my children knowing that my life was never going to be the same again. At the age of 33, my whole world had turned upside down.
My Facebook post the day of my birthday.
Thank you so much everyone for your birthday wishes. Thank you especially to my parents, sister, brother in law and the most amazing small group of women I call my close friends. Your love and support is immeasurable and I have been spoilt by your generosity in gifts and time. Today as a 33 year old I stand here as a single mum of 4 amazing beautiful girls who are my absolute world and the glue that has kept me together these past couple of weeks. I never thought I would never find myself in this position.
I’m not one to air private matters of such sensitivity online but through this very difficult time and the tears I have shed I have realised that I am probably not the only person out there who is going through one of the most heart wrenching experiences anyone could ever go through. In the past I have for the most part only shared all the amazing memories. I know there is a lot of content online, but people really can only relate or understand if they have or are going through it. I can say that with a clear conscience. I wanted and tried all I could to keep our family together.
To know that the person I loved with every fibre of my being and gave up so much of myself for our 6 children and what we wanted, could walk away and move on to try and find someone else so soon after we mutually decided to separate, was without question the worst I have ever felt in my life. It was a reality check. I don’t want to live in denial or in some false hope that we could be reunited. I want and need to be real, honest and true to myself.
For people who know me, I am an open book. I'm a strong, opinionated, outspoken individual. But I'm also fiercely loyal, loving, committed, understanding, honest and protective. What you see is exactly what you get. I love hard and play hard. I’m also passionate. My wedding vows reflected all these things and the commitment I had to my family. In no way will I ever stand here and judge another because I’m not perfect.
I have made many mistakes and decisions in life that have impacted others that I am not proud of. I am not the perfect wife/partner or mother, though I always strive to be and continue to. I’ll be blogging my journey in the coming weeks to share my experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc on various different aspects of being a single mum and as a woman in the hope that people going through a similar situation will not feel alone, that maybe something I say will give them the strength or support they need to look to the future in a positive way. It will be purely based on my experience in life, not from an educational perspective.
It will not be revengeful or bitter in content as I have no desire to be that type of person and I care about my children and respect their feelings and right to have a healthy relationship with their father. I think its important to reflect and to help others through our experiences #singlemumlife#putonabravefaceyougotthis#lovemygirls#33isthenewchapter
Jumping back to the beginning
I don’t intend of divulging every detail. I’m not going to be the bitter ex. I've made my fair share of mistakes but also because at some point in the future my girls will read this blog and I have been through enough in my life and seen enough, to know the damaged caused by being that way. I will however be honest with certain struggles and things that I have already explained to my girls.
To paint my picture, because there's always two sides ( and because I always try to view people's actions or reactions based on the knowledge I have of a situation) four months prior to today we sat in bed late at night having exchanged words two parents raising 6 daughters shouldn’t be saying and decided it was not going to work. We were no longer in that happy place where we stood 3 years prior. We weren’t in sync, we weren’t agreeing on small things which weren’t or shouldn’t have even been real issues. And the big issues were a whole other problem in itself.
No this wasn’t the first time we had come to the crossroad, any married couple with children would understand the effort that goes into the daily grind. Relationships even without children have their struggles but our family dynamic was definitely unique. Originally there were 4 daughters. Two from previous relationships each and one year apart in age. M's ex is still around. Mine's deceased. Then in our loved up crazy minds we decided we wanted two of our own. Preferably boys for M's sake, however having healthy babies was more important. It seems this Tribe was only going to have little women in it. So along came our 2 beautiful girls. To have 2 more children was a serious decision that we did not take lightly.
Every other time we reached a challenging moment we seemed to nail it by accomplishing a resolution or jumping the hurdle, throwing a band aid on and kept running. Compromises were made, but months prior to the point that broke the camels back, some words were said to me that I have not been able to erase from my mind even to this day. It made me question if M even loved me, what the hell we were doing together and whether he wanted to be a father to my children (who's father was deceased) and then whether he valued me as a mother and wife. Clearly we were at a stage where neither of us were happy with the current situation and we were at logger heads.
Now I know things are said in anger, I'm guilty of that, but in all honesty I felt like this was different to the times we said stupid things but then made up about.
I was holding on to the idea that I could somehow fix the state that our marriage and family life had dwindled down to. I felt like I had raised issues a zillion times and was literally banging my head against the wall. Coming up with different ideas on how to approach the day to day, week to week routine of raising 6 girls aged between 12 years to 7 months. That all have their own personalities, different maturity levels, etc. Then there was the driving of 4 hours back and forth to Penrith for years on a weekly basis with our babies in the car, taking the kids to their extra curricular activities etc, managing a business, house and trying to keep my husband happy and alleviate any stress for him.
I had big discussions that week with the girls and with M. I thought “Yes” we are going to be fine. I felt I had finally managed to get a clear indication on issues and come up with resolutions that catered for everyone. A positive direction finally but in actual fact I was losing the battle. It is really hard to be consistent in routine. It takes A LOT of effort. It's a fine line of giving the girls some leniency and at the same time reeling them in to behave. I finally felt relaxed enough to be intimate again.
Managing a house that is small in size but housed big personalities is hard work. To be honest I didn’t particularly care because I took my role as a wife/mother seriously. I managed everything that I possibly could. I sacrificed for the bigger picture which was saving to buy a house and to raise our girls to be strong, smart, skilled independent women. I want/wanted our girls to be able to do things if God forbid something were to happen to me. I want to instill the knowledge I gained in life to protect them from making foolish decisions and to know that they could all work together to take care of the house if I couldn't.
I consider myself low maintenance. I never get my hair and nails done. I was happy to pick up the slack outside and mow the lawn or chop wood if I had to, I actually liked to do it with M and it's those moments that are insignificant at the time that I now remember and hurt the most. The girls' and M's needs always came before my own. When I wanted our family to experience something I made sure we were all there 99% of the time. I agreed for M to have his hobbies and spend money here and there because he was working hard and I appreciated the fact that living in a house full of little women wasn’t easy. He had expensive hobbies but none the less I agreed. I even agreed to go and obtain my gun licence to be supportive and show support in his interests. I haven't put it to use yet but I think I just might add that skill to my repertoire and go to a shooting range.
I went along with the thought of camping, partly because of financial reasons, partly because he enjoyed it and that way we could see Australia and be outdoors and experience life. FYI – camping when your 7 months pregnant is not a great idea. The downside of camping is that you’re basically doing everything you do at home in another destination – you cook, clean, wash and bring your whole house along because you realise you need it. The positives I found were the people you met along the way and being outdoors.
Was I the perfect wife and mother? Nope. The house wasn’t always spotless, sometimes we’d be eating dinner past the hours of 8pm because it was just one of those days or because I wasn’t as organised and nothing was going to plan. I'd voice my opinion, argue and nag at times. Yell at the kids in frustration. But did I love and live for my family and my husband?
For the most part I think we had done an amazing job together. We were both strong willed and opinionated. We both had the same values and ideals. We both wanted the same things as a family and with each other. We both loved the outdoors and eating and appreciating good food (which is a necessary big tick in my book). We had agreed on what our roles would be and the rules we wanted the kids to try to follow and ourselves for that matter. We took a leap and started a business because we needed the flexibility to manage the dynamics of two of our children attending school and living half their life an hour away. We had my parents support which we couldn't do without and I honestly knew that it would be tough but I thought that if any 2 people could do it and succeed no matter how difficult, it was going to be us because we loved each other and, more importantly, our girls.
Finding time for each other when you have children is challenging. You’re both tired and stressed for various reasons and you take it in turns. Siblings fight at the best of times but make up and love each other again. I understood that. M was over it, his patience for the sibling disputes was far less than mine, as I spent more time with them and dealing with the dynamic and because for the most part they were getting along.
As a family, we needed to make a conscience effort to make up after we fought and love each other because as far as I was concerned we made the home not the building itself. That is one of my mottos that I live by. Another motto is that if we are left with nothing but have each other, we have everything.
The past couple of years, when I look back, there were changes that were being made to a point where I honestly felt in anger that I could live without him, the situation.
I am sure that many women or even men for that matter can relate. I’m sure there are single fathers out there who might have had their wives leave for various reasons. But telling that person to leave, pushing them away because you're low or just simply tired, when you feel like you've given up, is in my books completely different to actually living without someone you commit everything too. It is a different reality. Not a position that I ever imagined I would be in.
I honestly just wanted my husband to be my husband again. The one that would send me a loving message first thing every morning. The one I texted during the day and missed. Not a flat mate or a body that came and went, a husband and father.
Just putting it out there that Blended families are hard work!! In this day every second marriage is failing and there are single parent families everywhere. From all the experience I have being a step mother twice now and at this point in my life.
I would suggest to anyone not to enter into a relationship that involves someone with children. You have the both of you, your own ideas of how you want to raise the children and how you have been raising them till that point, then there's always the balancing act of treating everyone equally without your own children feeling left by the wayside. Then you throw in your exes personalities and ideas on top. Not to mention all the drama that goes hand in hand with having to share the children. Life is one hundred times more complicated. Yes, there will be amazing memories and milestones made but the effort, time, drama, ideas, motives and stress will take its toll on any relationship.
For those exact reasons I have chosen to try with all the strength I have to put my emotions, needs and wants to one side. Take 1 day at a time, and hope that I make the right decisions though I am sure I will fail at times miserably. My goal is to co-parent with a positive attitude and to try and communicate as much as possible with M, so the transition for Sonya and Giselle is not any more traumatic then what it needs to be. Do I always feel like being this way? NO! however I have the girls needs in the forefront of my decisions because ultimately I am all they have and their role model. How I act, what I accept in my life and for them, demonstrates what they should or shouldn't accept in the future as adult women.
I think it's only natural to feel like being reactive to a situation you have no control over. To get into stupid arguments or waste your time having discussions when ultimately it will go in one ear and out the other. Obviously discussions involving children need to be had and opinions on some things are valid to discuss. This road of separation is a very crooked one at that. There is no right or wrong way to handle it as each situation and circumstance is different. But ultimately it should revolve around the children involved. It's about everyone being emotionally, mentally and physically stable.
Pushing Through The Pain
From the 4th September to the 9th of October M and I were still cohabiting, if you could even call it that. He had deleted me off his FB, changed passwords, made major decisions without me and we barely communicated. It was awful being in limbo land. Like you're waiting for a change, a miracle to happen, and as each day goes on you drift further and further apart. It's awkward, uncomfortable, a part of you just wants to show love, to try and stick a band aid on the wound and another part inside says there is no point as nothing is changing for the better and just accept the situation.
This is how I summed up that period:
All I do is CRY ALL DAY!!!! I'M talking ALL DAY!!!!!!! I Can't function like this, it is killing me slowly. I am broken........................................what the?
Sleep, what's sleep?
4 hours sleep. That’s a record I have slept in one night since M moved out on the 9th October. I’ve been waking up with that sick feeling in my stomach. Feeling an array of emotions, thoughts racing through my head. I honestly wake up and feel like someone has hit me with a bus, carved up my heart into tiny little pieces and fed them slowly to a colony of ants, which have dragged each piece very slowly deep underground, like in slow motion when you watch a David Attenborough doco.
Wondering how the other person is feeling or what they are thinking or doing is like slowly submerging yourself in hot lava. The anxiety is horrible! I have never been an anxious person.
And the crying, the non stop crying. It was sooo draining. And my house looks like a bomb has hit it. All I do is wake up, get the kids sorted for school. Then hop back in my bed, numb the pain with T.V. Sort the girls out and take them to dance etc and then hop back into bed and cry. All my girls have been saying is, "Stop crying mummy, it's going to be okay". Then I reply with, I know it'll be ok, but I am really hurt and when you have your heart broken you will understand what I am going through and I will be here to comfort you. So after realising that the state I was in was not going to change until I had grieved, The girls stopped asking me to stop crying and would just give me a hug.
I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER THE GIRLS NEED ME TO BE A HAPPY MUM AGAIN!
Frustration, Playing the Game and taking the high road
As I sat here looking at my two beautiful children sleep, I realised how strong I really have to be. Yes, I’m the mum that breastfeeds and co sleeps. Of course I encourage the breastfeeding till 2, for all the amazing benefits and the bonding. Co sleeping comes down to the individual. Yes, I have an empty cot that is used for naps and play time during the day and I will eventually teach Giselle to sleep on her own. Mind you I did have all 4 laying in my double bed watching Katy Perry on her Prism Tour hours before.
M popped over to take more of his belongings, which was happening in dribs and drabs. Nothing worse then your husband leaving you bit by bit. It would have been a little bit easier if everything was done is one foul swoop.
Giselle was fine until that point in time. If she mentioned missing or wanting to talk to daddy at any time, I would call M. Even times I had her call him when she didn't want to or ask to because I believe that although we are having our drama, the girls should be shielded as much as possible and that I would try and continue doing what I normally would if we were together.
After his visit, the tantrums started, the screaming, crying, demands started rolling in waves. Her emotional state was like the first week he moved out. She missed her dad and her two other older sisters. She missed our family being under one roof. It was heart breaking.
He had promised the previous week to be at her Little A's that afternoon, and didn’t show. I offered for her to go and see him with Sonya as she had mentioned that she missed C and A. I offered to drop them over for a few hours. The reply I got back – I’m not home till Sunday. Asked if she could still call him as two weeks prior I could not contact him at all on the Saturday. No Reply.
Decided I would try and see if he would pick up so she could at least tell him how she went. He answered, they spoke.
Got home, she was a wreck again. Wanting cuddles non stop after dinner, crying, screaming. The emotional roller coaster.
All I know is that I have to be patient, understanding and be as loving as possible during this period as my daughter tries to come to terms with the reality of the situation.
The lack of communication through this process of separating has been frustrating to say the least. I like to plan, I like to know, I basically organised our family that went from 6 to 8 for 5 years and I was now down to 5. So taking one step back and not knowing how his day went, how the girls were, all the little things was/is a struggle. I was still coming to terms with it all. There were parts of my brain that were considering routines, court orders, times, etc when I was planning something, The process of letting go seemed to happen quickly for M. Although I had so much I wanted to say, I kept my mouth shut and I thought for the most part I was dealing with it all pretty well, even if it meant I lacked completely in the sleep department.
I messaged my friends and spoke to family to vent instead. I highly recommend messaging your best friend to vent your thoughts and feelings, rather than to your ex about your gripes with them. I am not talking about issues raised in regards to the children, I'm talking the emotional attachment that you have with the other person. It's the old foot and mouth disease of texting or calling someone (not always drunk I might add) and then regretting what has been said. So that was my way of coping. I have amazing family and friends that obliged to my messages and calls. After proving to myself that this would help anyone, I gave this outlet option as advice to women I know, and they have been successfully doing the same.
Often I reply to the messages I receive to share my pearls of wisdom and hopefully help them gain perspective. Emotions are hard to rationalize at the best of times. So coming from someone that knows what you're going through but is not in the middle of the situation can help shed light on what seems to be a very dark room.
THOUGHTS, THOUGHTS AND MORE THOUGHTS AND THEN THERE'S PENT UP SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If I look back now, his usual routine of messaging me in the morning had dwindled down to nothing at least 4 months prior. I guessed at the time he was busy working and I was busy with the girls to make a big deal of it and we weren't resolving things. But now that I spent most of my time awake thinking, going over things, replaying situations, analyzing actions, my mind was taking me to places I didn't want to go and making me more upset.
I want to make it CLEAR that I don't think he cheated on me at all before he moved out. I just feel after comments he made that there was no desire there from his part, the way it used to be. That he had "checked out" a long time ago and was maybe just living through the motions, rather than being present in them. That someone may have said something to him for him to question "us" and "me" and our relationship.
I know that in conversations we had had a few times he mentioned that we never had sex any more. Yes, since the birth of Sonya I could probably count on my hands in the last 7 months the amount of times we had. Between a newborn, 6 children, work and his work, there was little time for “us”. I clearly didn't feel attractive, unfortunately I am not a super model who's body bounces back after pregnancy. He never once said anything to me to make me think he was even slightly attracted to me. You know that look that everyone gets in the beginning of a relationship. The giddy feeling, the excitement, The LUST!
I had brought up so many times that we needed to make time. If that is one thing I would change it would be to make more one on one time for us. I know I tried to organise time, tried to surprise him at times, asked him to come home early, he never did. He probably thought that I didn't listen to his request or suggestion of wearing the sexy lingerie he bought years ago. To be honest I didn't think that I was going to look any good or that it would fit. I actually went to surprise him, had the girls in bed at a reasonable time and mentally prepped myself even though I felt like a beached whale. He decided not to come home early when I asked.
I can honestly say that after that point I acted like a bitch. Any spare time he had was spent elsewhere and I had no energy to even bother explaining why I had felt so let down by him, what ordeal I went through to make him happy. The effort I had gone to. I just acted like I could take him or leave him after that moment in time. Maybe this was the mistake that I did to contribute to our downfall. But I was so hurt by the whole situation that I felt done.
You know the feeling like your walking through rotating doors going nowhere fast. It takes two to tango. If he’s coming home eating, showering and then going to bed to watch tv and ends up falling asleep, while i'm cleaning and juggling 6 children and making sure they're showered and go to sleep before I crawl in bed at 11pm at night. I didn't think I was in any state to be putting on a “show” and waking him up especially since he was working so hard.
So since he moved out and definitely during the initial two months before I found out about him online dating, I had contemplated a hook up with M. Even though there was a lot of stress from the separation, there was also a calm after the storm in our house. It was like a cyclone had hit, there was literally stuff everywhere because I decided to embark on repainting the whole house and installing a kitchen I had been saving for, but there was also a cyclone of hormones raging through my body.
It was like my body had an awakening and I have battled with it ever since. Initially I thought maybe it would reignite something in him to try again. I mean, although separated, I'm clearly still attracted to him, we are still married and he is still technically my husband. I was painting my kitchen crying wishing he was painting it with me. Thinking in my head that it would of been a perfect opportunity for some intimacy with the kids fast asleep.
But to my better judgement, I weighed up the situation. I considered that he wasn’t even messaging me to say hi during the day. His complete disregard of me, not to mention his actions. I decided it was best to push all that attraction and want for intimacy DEEP DEEP DEEP down.
I understand now that his lack of interest in me, was because he had/has countless women chasing him. The grass is greener on the other side in his world. I would say that many women want the chase, the playfulness of foreplay etc before they do the act. I love a good quickie like anyone, especially with 6 kids in the house. But they are not fulfilling on a regular basis. And if you’re arguing with your partner or things aren’t resolved even the thought of that gets thrown out of the window. Never go to bed without fixing an issue with your partner, because it just snowballs!
Women want to feel loved, that their partner is attracted to them (scars, stretch marks and all) and appreciated. Men reading this, reread that line! and that was not something I had felt for quite some time and when it came to my girls and their relationship with M, it was really hurting me so that affected how I was feeling towards him also.
So to cope with the sexual frustration mixed with emotions of anger, the sadness, the down right kick in the guts, I decided I would belt out Demi Lavato's "I'm Sorry Not Sorry", because I know that the grass is greener under me, shake my booty around, have a dance party with my girls and get rid of all those negative thoughts and feelings that made me feel worthless. I've had many family and friends both male and female give me the odd compliment to boost my ego which helped but it's not the same.
Knowing his time was being invested into others mixed with my own hormones was sending me completely crazy. I make the conscience effort every day to redirect my thoughts before I end up making stupid decisions for temporary pleasure and regretting them.I use that pent up sexual energy to paint, exercise, clean, dance, consume copious amounts of home made caramel slice and walk. So pop over to my FIGHTING FIT page and follow that branch of my journey.
Ultimately I made the choice. To shut shop so to speak, to take control of the mind games and the hormones I have. I have chosen to be celibate and live this life solo till Sonya is 18. Everyone keeps telling me this will change and I can't predict the future but I am stubborn and know myself and for the foreseeable future this is how I am choosing to live.
WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?
I’ve tried to keep messages flowing sending pics of how the girls were during the day, or things that they had done so he didn’t feel like he had missed something. I did this when we were together and from that aspect I thought it was only right to continue to. Taking the high road at times can be really exhausting when others don't put the same importance on the things you find important.
When the shift in change is so opposite in scale, you wonder who you were actually married to. Everyone deals with things differently and I get that, I guess I didn't imagine M to deal with everything the way he has. You question how did this person go from loving you, to hating you in a space of time. Let’s face it marriage is constantly a tennis match of give and take. You hit the net, miss the ball, but you play to win. Then you have kids and life gets wonderfully crazy but your responsibility to raise and care for other human beings means that other things have less importance or have dropped a few rungs on the ladder of importance.
More than anything HONEST Communication is vital in any relationship and especially in this process and I feel he hasn't been at all. At the end of the day I am TRYING to keep lines open and to not let my emotions get the better of me. For us to be able to speak amicably about the children and future plans involving them, work together and find resolutions we are both happy with is what is most important to me. I am not here trying to stop him from enjoying his life and finding happiness.
I happily offer and give him "my" time when he is able to have them because I am with them the majority and I want Giselle and Sonya to be close to him and have a great relationship with him. I recognise the difference between M not loving me and M loving his biological children and the healthy attachment they have with him. In no way shape or form would I do anything to destroy that. It is vital for their self esteem to know that they are loved and supported by both of us.
Separation is very hard to navigate as your lives as adults adjust and move in different directions. But, like I mentioned before, I continually put the girls' interests first. Look at the bigger picture and appreciate that any flexibility I have, I would hope would be reciprocated so that in the future our girls will continue to see that there is a joint effort for their happiness.
C n A, who I have raised as my own, were still part of that planning process initially. I hadn’t completely let go of involving them in things. I wasn’t sure how it would work or what approach to take because with M it was difficult. I pondered whether to contact their mother and ask her if Giselle could call and about other commitments the girls had since I seemed to be getting nowhere with M. I sent her an email and opened a line of communication for Giselle and Sonya. Giselle was very upset and wanted to speak to them. That got absolutely nowhere so I had to let it go, let go of trying to keep this family connected for Giselle and Sonya. Let go of feelings and being responsible for children that no longer communicate a simple hello when they see me.
Am I surprised? Yes and no. I guess, where I stand, I don't know what they've been told. It's only natural for them to have their fathers back, but at the end of the day I feel that the children should be able to see and interact as much as possible. Clearly M's ex is rejoicing that there is no longer a barrier to her want/demands or ways to control the situation.
Separation and Divorce involving kids entangles people that would never usually want or need to associate otherwise. I was taking my experience from my first marriage and the loss of my 1st stepdaughter and how that impacted Caitlyn and Meira and their desire to have a relationship with their half sister. Still to this day they ask why she hasn’t tried to see them since she is much older. I have said if she ever wants to she will find a way. Her mother cut all ties once their father died and I did not want to make the same mistake. I've learnt in life that siblings need each other, regardless of the fighting, personality clashes and differences of opinion.
l have also learnt in life that not everyone is on the same playing field, playing the game of improving their life, position or consciousness. Some are still in stage/base one and never really move from first there, while others are bordering base two and three or hitting home runs. Don't you love my analogy. LOL. #tribeoflittlewomen
kmart - not just good for shopping AND A BARGAIN, but ALSO for pretending
28th November - So today as I walked around KMART with Giselle and Sonya in the trolley, I felt low, I was picking up my new kettle and toaster, singing nursery rhymes and trying to entertain Sonya because all she wants to do is get down and go go go. I gave the girls a toy phone to play with, Giselle knows I won’t buy any toys, but while I shop she can play with it. She usually wants to hold a ball, she has about 100 of them but I stayed clear of that section. She pretends to talk to M on the phone.
Then she says “Mummy talk to Daddy”. My first thought – tell her to keep talking because he doesn’t want to talk to Mummy, second thought play along with her. So I go with my second thought. “OK, Hi M”. “No Mummy it’s Daddy, talk to Daddy”. I reply “he’s your Daddy, he’s not my “Daddy”. “I know, but talk to Daddy” was her reply. It then dawns on me that I would often call M while out for the day with the girls and put them on the phone, so I took a deep breath and said the following. “Hey Hunny, how’s your day going? I miss you, the girls and I can’t wait till you’re home! Love you Bye” She looked at me, happy, satisfied with a big smile on her face and then I could see her brain ticking because the concept of mummy and daddy not together was real, not completely understood but she knew that I wouldn’t have a real conversation like that with him ever again.
For days I had just wanted to call him and talk to him about my day or something the kids had done. I honestly just wanted to have my husband back, not how things were but just back. On one hand that 30 seconds was therapeutic. On the other hand I felt worse, went back to the car, spoke to my sister, had a cry and then got on with my day.
Thoughts zoomed through my head about him moving on with his life and trying to find someone new and then I felt worse and then I realised once again that nothing I say, do or think is going to change his thoughts or actions. I just need to keep practicing the ART of letting go, which is what I was advising another single mum days before. Refocusing your thoughts once they run ramped in your head like a heard of wild buffalo takes work. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of work. Stopping yourself from falling in the pit of depression when you’ve lost something of significance is a full time job.
I went on a cleaning spree in my house, because it had got to the very depressed state of looking like a bomb had been sent from Kim Jong Un and landed in the middle of my house. To paint a picture imagine the houses you see on those hording shows, only I wasn't hording anything other than my emotions. My old makeshift kitchen pulled apart, the contents thrown into a room, piles of clothes waiting to be ironed, toys here, there, everywhere and the bathroom and floor needed a bucket of bleach each.
Being Emotional and cleaning don't really go hand in hand. Plus doing a kitchen install.I called my friends to come over to give me some motivation to clean the house. Only true friends will see you and your house in a state of complete disarray and not care but I hadn't completely lost all pride. Whilst sorting out paperwork that was sprawled across my dining room table I came across all the cards M had written me. I sat there for a moment and read them one by one. He wrote with such emotion, thought, love and appreciation. I'm talking the full on rhyming poems. I felt a deep pain shoot through my heart and had a cry.
At first I could feel my motivation dwindle down but I fought back. The more I thought about the words he wrote the more confidence I began to feel. I thought that whatever he saw in me, someone else will see. I know I'm still that person. I know that momentarily I felt I had nothing left to be able to give. I was so low and heart broken. However in time I will be whole and then when it is the right time(in 17 years), share me with another person.
I was looking forward to a night in with some amazing women and needed to shift my head and body into the right gear. I had the night all planned out. I recorded the comedy festival because laughter is the best medicine, dancing was on the list for sure because I already felt better with music blasting in the house and who doesn't like to get down to a good song which releases positive endorphins, good food because let's face it everyone knows I love eating. I knew no doubt some crying and heart to heart conversations were going to be had and it turned out that that's all we ended up doing. The kids camped out and watched movies and we sat on my bed and chatted till late.
The next day we went Strawberry picking at a local farm. It was amazing. We all had a great time consuming our body weight in strawberries. It ended our weekend on a high. The last time I went strawberry picking was with M and our 4 girls with Giselle growing in my stomach. It was honestly mind blowing for me to be standing there having flashbacks of being pregnant and realising that for the rest of my life I was going to be a single mum sharing these experiences with my girls without peering over at my significant other with pride at the little moments in time we would share with our girls.
The POWER of MUSIC
Music is so powerful. The feelings, emotions, memories it evokes amaze me.
It can take you back to times you wish you could replay or simply forget.
I can’t even tell you how many times I have turned on the Radio or the music channel and heard my wedding song. Now I know it was extremely popular. But honestly the chances and frequency of hearing it are not normal or WILD as the Kardashians say.
For the days when you need a cry and just need to hear all the depressing songs of the broken hearted mixed in with the love songs of how you really want to feel I have a playlist. I will probably add to it but for now…..
Fall Apart - Post Malone
Jealous - labrinth
Cold - Maroon 5
Need you Now - Lady Antebellum
Famous - French Montana
Wolves – Selena and Marshmallow
It Ain’t Me – Selena and Kygo
Broken Anyway – Ryan Adams
Lemonade (album)- BEYONCE
Sticks and Stones – Nelly Furtado
All good things come to an end – Nelly Furtado
Flatline – Nelly Furtado
Just A Dream – Nelly
On and On - Cartoon feat Daniel Levi
End Game taylor swift
Him and I - Halsey
can i get a witness
I decided to reply and chat to a couple of male acquaintances that have reached out to me. Just to try and find some answers or understanding to why M was behaving the way I never thought he would. I didn’t really get the exact answers I was looking for. Let’s face it, you can only ever get the truth directly from the source and even then can you trust it? None the less the short conversations were a pleasant distraction momentarily. I mainly spoke about M and the person responding was happily “listening”. I gave my close BFF’s a break for one night,lol.
I don't have a problem talking to the opposite sex, that's probably because I spent my high school bus trips out numbered by the boys. Also because I see us as equal. I was quite flattered to have had many random young and good looking strangers DM me since I've been on Instagram. Also much older ones too,lol but let's just focus on the young and good looking because this Mamma is NOT looking for a sugar daddy. One line of thought was me with a cheesy grin thinking "Who needs to go on a dating website, clearly not me lol??"
I haven't replied because I see no point, my time is precious and though one side of me thinks it will probably come across as very rude. I hope they can realise that my focus is purely on my children and our future. There is no way I would entertain anything, but I appreciate the notion none the less that they took a moment to DM me, out of all the pretty young things they would have seen and be also messaging, lol. If these men are serious, they will read my blog get to know me from afar and contact me in 17 years, LMAO.
Getting back to the seriousness of coping emotionally I have to say, once trust in a relationship is broken, when your significant other has hurt you to the point that there are days when you question everything about yourself and who you are and the faults you have, it is nice to have someone say, “I see these things in you”. It’s an ego boost, a reality check, a pick me up, it's redbull that gives you wings to feel alive again. That other people still see in you what your partner failed/fails to see or remember. Ultimately thought, self worth has to come from within. Like a spark that turns into a fire. You have to tell yourself daily that your circumstances do not define you.
Of course the whole time I was talking to the aquaintances I was thinking in my head, this must be what M does when I have the girls, sit on his computer or phone and talk to other women, although no doubt those conversations were the opposite of mine and would not be about me but getting to know them.
How I would love to just be able to roll over in bed and talk to my husband about my day or how I was feeling and see how his day was. To talk to him about something the girls said or did. My heart has a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG way to go to be able to trust someone to take that place again.
I’ve only ever slept with 3 people my whole life. Despite any rumours people may have been told. I’m not afraid to say it or be frank. I pride myself in the fact that I only ever will give that part of me to someone I love. I’m a “committed keeper” and I don’t waste (well my intention is never to) waste my time or someone else’s. I married 2 of those 3. I'm so frank about my past and what I have been through, the mistakes I have made, the good, the bad, the ugly, that if you are still willing to make me a priority and want to be with me after my honesty and open conversation with you, then you will be my priority and stuck with me for eternity.
Once you have me, unless you aren’t truthful to me and cross over certain lines that I never would or that aren’t acceptable, then I will do everything I can to make my relationship work. Push me to a point that I am going to snap, and even when I snap, I’ll still keep trying, I will stick by you.
I think though in my life experience, I see things a lot sooner than I give myself credit for. How many women out there sit back, look at everything that has happened and think, this could have been avoided. We can pin point when everything was beginning to fall apart and kept trying to fix it. I gave some advice to a friend who is going through the same situation. It always takes two people to make a relationship work and two people to destroy it.
I am now at a point where for the moment I am not going to blame myself any more for our family falling apart. I’ve said plenty of things to try and motivate M to understand, wake up, suggest where to change to be reunited to no avail. At the end of the day I am not here to try and "change" M. I was clearly disillusioned to the person I thought I married. I just wanted that person again but that was not the same person. In life you would or should grow together and instead we had grown apart.
I felt my changes were momentary due to circumstances and his were definitely permanent. It's taken a lot of inner strength and reasoning to have walked away from the situation and want more for myself in a relationship and more for my girls in life.
The key to any relationship is investing time. A priceless commodity. Where ever and whom ever you invest that time into, that is where you will reap the things in life that matter the most.
let's catch up - exerts
I haven't updated in literally 9 months!!! I've been busy being a mum. So if you don't follow my Instagram page, go there now and you'll catch up on all the normal every day part of my life. Plenty of ridiculous dance videos for you to laugh at regularly in my stories! I also post poetry and beautiful photos I find during the day.. From now on I'll be throwing in Exerts from my IPhone notes in my blog. I feel it's an authentic way of letting my readers into my process of blogging my journey. Mind you I lost everything on my phone earlier in the year and then my computer died on me( so I sit up late at night till the early hours of the morning working on Caitlyn's laptop). You would think I would have learnt my lesson and backed both up earlier! I'll be bringing everyone up to date over an unspecified time. So if you feel annoyed that you haven't read enough juicy content I apologise, be patient with me!
14th November - EXERT - ?
Sooooooo I had a million and one thoughts running through my brain today. The disappointments, the changes, the Why's??????????? Why??????????????????????
CHRISTMAS - A TIME FOR FAMILY
This Christmas we had my Aunty, Cousin, her husband and my baby nephew all the way from India. My Uncle from the USA always comes each year too, so it was one special Christmas and we have traditions on certain days. Arguing with M over times and locations was painful. I'm such a reasonable person. I don't want anyone to miss out. So being able to have the girls experience all the celebrations even if it was only for a few hours was all I wanted. I was happy to do all the driving so he could relax and drink with his family.
It was Sonyas FIRST Christmas. Our 9month old baby girl didn't even get one Christmas with her mum, dad and all of her sisters together. I had cried several times at that thought alone leading up to Christmas and Christmas Eve was no exception. It stressed me out that what we did as a family was thrown out the window by M. That up until he realised what I was trying to say, it was like a boxing match between us on the daily.. Back and forth trying to understand him but still get my points and feelings across and heard. The last thing I wanted to do was argue with him about the importance of our family still sustaining some sort of normality with everything being turned upside down.
No one saw me cry, I made sure I was alone each and every time. I needed to be alone and let every bit of sadness be expressed in the shadows. I did't want my feelings to affect the joyous time it was. I don't think anyone truly understood the inner turmoil. When it was time to leave my sister and get the girls from M, I cried all the way there and all the way back to my sisters, albeit without Giselle cottoning on!
During the year I shop for the girls presents and so I still gave M's daughters the bit and pieces I had bought for them.. M bought the girls something as well which was a nice gesture. You have no idea what it's like to walk past, look and see menswear or mens cologne and feel gutted that purchasing something from those departments was/ is no longer part of my job description. I enjoyed picking fragrances and shopping for him. I enjoyed carefully choosing things that I thought would suit him or more importantly that would turn me on!
The art of letting go is constant and progressive. I honestly don't know how I am going to do this year after year. Changing a mindset requires discipline and I can tend to be lazy at times so I guess I'll be requiring multiple mindset shifts to grow and move forward.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
I want to start by wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I'm starting this year with positivity, good vibes and fresh thinking.
I ditched the pile of ironing and working on my blog for the day. I invited M and his girls to see the fireworks together. After some hesitation from M he decided to join us. We arrived just as they started and watched the fireworks with all of our girls together. As disjointed as it felt, Sonya will have pictures of a whole family for that year.
I am big on making sure neither of us miss out on "1st" times and If I could have us all with her to bring on the new year then I was going to do everything I could to make it happen. My children will always know that I put their best interests first in any decisions I make that involves them (even if they don't agree at the time). That I love them and it's important that they have those memories to look back on. I'm cementing what I consider important into their brains.
I'm determined to bring in the new year with peace and joy despite the emotions and hurt I have felt during the last 4 months. The fireworks were so disappointing that I suggested we make it up to the girls and take them to McDonalds to play. I RARELY go to Maccas but it's convenient.
Standing in line ordering food separately and then sitting at a table together was sooooo bizarre. I feel like I would have been more comfortable sitting and talking to a complete stranger than my husband who I shared a bed and life with for the last 6 years. I am pretty sure we exchanged all of 5 sentences which included the food order and things that Sonya was starting to do. It's the oddest feeling.....they go from a person you loved and literally a created life with to talking to them like a news reporter . The love once shared was replaced my a cold emptiness. I'll never forget how Sonya spilled a whole cup of later all over the table, floor and me and it's not a good time unless that happens in our family.
At least the smiles on all the girls faces confirmed that I made the right choice of putting my emotions to one side and just sucking up the awkwardness like salt water when you get dunked by a wave while swimming in the ocean. You don't grow or benefit from life by sitting on the shore and playing it safe or by avoiding situations. I know that there are a lot of people going through many different situations. Some may be similar, some maybe more difficult. Some people may completely disagree with my choices. At the end of the day you only have control over your own thoughts, feelings and circumstances that you find yourself in. It's all a process, we are all at different stages. We only get one life and I personally don't ever want to get stuck settling for a mediocre one in any area. Growth is important to me!
We spent a few hours together on New Years Day while the girls swam. M and I at opposite ends of the pool area like two strangers in a shopping centre. The distance grows larger each time we are in the same breathing space. However the 6 girls smiling made a great start to the new year. I feel this year is going to be one full of growth and new beginnings.
4th January - our wedding anniversary - JUST ANOTHER DAY
Today would have been our wedding anniversary. I wondered if the thought had even crossed his mind or if he had even remembered. I looked at a wedding picture of me stuffing my face and thought to myself - how on earth did that moment fast forward to me alone on my wedding anniversary.
I cried and cried and cried and cried a bit more. I reread my wedding vowels and his, that we both personalised!!!!! I sat there thinking to myself that I stayed true to what I promised, well at least I feel I did. There's all the MAYBES. Maybe he didn't see it that way, maybe he just changed his mind, maybe we forgot what we said to each other that day. Maybe with the chaos of life we gave up to soon or to late. Maybe this is who we really were all along, two very strong, opinionated people who were only meant to have a temporary connection. For some reason we thought differently and couldn't see that it wasn't going to work so we stuck our heads in the sand and opted to give it a go any way. .
I loved my wedding day. Although there was a hell of a lot of stress when it came down to the day, everything went along pretty smoothly. We planned it in a short space of time on the tightest budget known to man. My dress was $130 off EBAY. Brand new fit me like a glove because I gave them my measurements, all the way from China and everyone thought I'd spent thousands!!!! The girls flower girl dresses cost more than my wedding dress, LOL. My sister and I setup everything including the bouquets the day before.
I choreographed our wedding song to John Legend All Of Me. It was beautiful and I really enjoyed teaching M and working together on it. I was genuinely proud of him for stepping up and doing something that I enjoyed. The girls also danced and were so cute! We didn't do much dancing after it though (I know can you believe it, dancing queen not spending the whole time on the dance floor, LMAO) because it was during the day, so we just wanted to hang out with everyone in the gardens and enjoy the sun!
We stayed at the Darling, at the Star that night (the decor in the room was purple which is my Favourite colour). We had dinner at Black. The food was delicious. I was delirious by dinner due to lack of sleep because I literally only had a few hours sleep from prepping final details till late. We had to get everyone ready and be at the venue early too. I swear anyone watching us eat dinner anyone would of thought I was drunk but I wasn't. I made silly phone calls to my sister and parents. I know embarrassingly funny. I was so tired I literally couldn't stop laughing about every little thing. We had a GREAT night together which is the complete opposite experience from my first marriage..
BUT the videographer was late and missed the whole ceremony and we never did get our wedding video because he took off with the money and changed his number. So was that a sign???? No actual video of our wedding day to look back on!!!!! I'm one of those people that believe in signs but also don't lol. I suppose it depends on the situation and I chased that guy down several times but in the end I gave up!
If someone had told me when I was 16, all those years ago that I would have been married twice and a single mum to 4 girls, I literally would have told them to see a Doctor, get their heads read and to stop smoking weed. The sentence would have seemed outrageous and far fetched. Although I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life career wise, I DID know that I wanted to have ONE husband that I loved, adored, took care of, pleased and have children with him. How the Fuck did I get here????
I put my wedding ring back on for the day. I missed it, I missed what it symbolised, I missed the habit I had of turning it round the right way. I missed how it made me feel important because I belonged to someone and they belonged to me and we chose each other. I missed that feeling that it represented . LOVE.
LOVE is such a powerful feeling, word, sound, statement. I don't know if I want to ever risk using that word in the same sentence with the opposite sex again!!!!!
Can I just say that today was my 1st Walk up the road for the year and I was sweating and out of breathe!!!! Absolutely Ridonculous peeps! Felt so energised after and it helped me emotionally. I wonder how I will feel in the future. Whether this aching feeling will always be felt on this particular day or will it become Just another day!
9th January - EXERT - be an example
My girls totally resent M now after seeing me so broken. But more than anything I have a desire within myself to show them that there are no limits to what you can achieve even though your circumstances may not always be favourable. That healing doesn't come if resentment is at the forefront of the mind. That healing comes through accepting circumstances, grieving and then reprogramming your mindset and that everyone makes wrong and right choices in life.
I spent the day playing hide and seek, jumped on the trampoline and mucked around with the girls.
I had a few kid free hours, turned on the music channel and low and behold my wedding song is the first song that plays. WTF seriously! I changed the channel. I needed songs that were going to uplift me while I cleaned walls and repainted this whole house!
I was Looking in the mirror and learning to love myself! No makeup on, holes in shorts, messy hair, and old bra and undies, dancing around my house like a crazy woman. It was me, raw, looking plain AF.
Loving yourself is one of the hardest things to do when you feel low. But it is necessary! Necessary to move on in life and to not feel cemented in one place. #tribeoflittlewomen
Do not limit the potential you have for growth because of a circumstance #tribeoflittlewomen.